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  • leesaamarie

I forgive you but I will not forget...Summer, 2001

Dear E,

Today is a very ominous day. Today I feel tired. Today I feel worn. Today I feel despondent. However, none of these feelings are derived from any normal circumstance. I do not feel like this because of aching bones, lack of sleep or a long day at the office. Today, I feel these things because I am heartsick. My body is weighed down by my heartache and fatigued by circumstance.

Two short days ago I discovered that my beliefs of world non-existent of love were very real. I found out that no matter which way you present yourself to another, you inevitably get hurt. In spite of these new discoveries I was willing to tempt fate and believe that there was a world which existed beyond the one I had already gotten to know. I decided that in order to discover this new world I would have to change the manner in which I normally approach these situations. I decided to forgive. For me, forgiving has never been an easy task because I have never had the room in my heart to offer every individual that has hurt me the gift of compassion. So why would I do this now? What made me believe this person would not hurt me again? I didn’t have the answer for these questions, but I came to realize that the person whom I was to forgive was well worth offering a place in my heart. With a clear mind I forgave him for the pain that he caused me.

The very next day I discovered this pain all over again. This time anger resounded through my body. Hatred drained my blood an inhabited my veins. The very core principle of why I never forgive anyone taunted me. The wall for ensconcing my heart quickly rebuilt itself and vowed never to come down again. All the time I had spent believing that love really could exist was obliterated with one simple answer, “yes”, to one simple question, “did she?”. The irony of this pain came when I realized that both confessions took place in an airport. How more perfect could it have been? While I waited for flights to take my sister and I home, my heart grew its own wings and flew to a place with hopes of never being discovered.

How could this happen? Why did he do it? I thought he loved me. How could he disrespect me? Where did I go wrong? Doesn’t he love me? Could I have stopped him? Was it my fault? Didn’t I love him enough? Did I offer him more than I was even willing to give? Didn’t he know how much this would tear me apart? Does he love her? Does he even like her? Was she worth it? Is she worth it? Why do I feel so violated? He said he loved me.

All this and so much more ran through my head on the plane ride home. With each question that I asked myself I became more and more grieved. My stomach was in knots. I was nauseated at the thought of him being with me and then with her. For fuck sake, IN MY FUCKING CAR!!!!! HOW COULD HE HURT ME LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!

As I sat on the plane with nothing but my own disheveled thoughts I cried myself into a brief sleep. I woke up to feel my heart drop. I realized that it wasn’t the plane descending but the acceptance of yet another failed relationship.

My heart broke.

I am Numb.

This feeling has begun to discharge slowly through my body. I am timorous. I do not want to love and I do not want to be loved. Will this change? Is this a punishment or reckoning? Am I destined to live a life of solitude?

I have to know how sorry you are?!

I really do believe that you are sorry for what you did. I do believe that you never had any intentions of hurting me the way you did. In spite of this I am still dumbfounded because you have already told me that you were not inebriated that night which only leaves me with the belief, you did this with a clear mind. You made out with my “best-friend” and then proceeded to MY car so that she could suck your dick. It’s funny to me that part of your reasoning for leaving your wife was because she doesn’t give you the things that you needed sexually. Am I not satisfying you? Do I not fulfill you sexually? Do I not give you all that I can? I have my own answers for these questions and I am sure that at this point they will vary from yours.

Will things ever be the same? I know that this will break your heart, but no, I do not think that things will ever be the way there were. How can they be? Yesterday, I had a feeling the resentment I have towards you would dissolve and we could carry our lives out the way that it used to be and then we went to my car. Every time I look at my car now I cringe. I can’t help but think of what you did. I hear her, I see her and worse of all I can smell her in my car.

How can I ever forgive you?

Here is what I know. I know that guys (and girls alike) cheat. I know that a man's lust for a woman can run deep, very deep. I know that temptation can present itself in evil ways turning the head of even the most faithful man. I know what damage cheating can do. I know the hurt cheating can cause. I know how hurt I have been because the men I have with been decided that I wasn’t enough for their appetite. And here I am again, sitting in the face of someone discarding me.

I am lost. I am scared. I am hurt. Even with all of these feelings I am still somehow confused about how I feel. Do I push you away or pull you in? Do I hold on or let go? Do I forgive and forget or do I despise and remember? I cannot begin to erase the pain that is caused from memories like these. The only thing that I can do is live through it and learn from it. Life is a learning process, a process that I am really ready to be done learning from, but again…what doesn’t kill you only make you stronger, right?

I guess in time the pain will heal and the hurt that I am feeling right now will subside. I cannot tell you when I will be okay with this, if ever. I can only tell you that right now I am going through a process and one that I never thought I would have had to go through with you. Just one of life's many surprises.

I love you as a human and a friend and you will forever be very special to me. I will never forget who you are and the things you have given me. There is a wonderful person that I have gotten to know over our time spent together. I have seen your many faces and will continue to love you without conditions, but our dynamic most certainly has shifted. It's going to take some time for my heart to heal, please respect that.

E, I will forgive you, it’s just that right now I can’t forget.

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