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  • leesaamarie

My heart breaks for you not because of you...2018 (never sent)

Dear Twin Flame,

I've trusted you....I've trusted your words because I had no reason not to and your actions always spoke volumes above what could have ever possibly come out of your mouth. Every secret shared and every promise made, I believed them all. For a brief moment in time we lived in space that was separate from the world around us....we were in a bubble and I loved every minute of it. We agreed it felt as if we had known each other forever and maybe it's because our souls met lifetimes ago, I don't know and I still can't explain it. When we were together I opened my heart and you let down your walls making everything easy and uncomplicated.

We said "friends for life" which I genuinely meant because I had never felt such a strong friendship connection with anyone, ever, not as instantaneously as the way I did with you and based on our conversations I’m pretty sure the feeling was mutual. Of course we knew that there would be obstacles to overcome but knowing that I never wanted to lose you from my life, I was willing to do whatever it meant in order to remain friends. Sharing time has always been the single most important thing to me…beyond gifts, beyond trips, beyond physical intimacy, beyond anything else, I have always just enjoyed sharing time with you.

So here I sit now, alone with my thoughts, wondering what happens from here.

I guess I need you to you know that I see you, ALL OF YOU. I always have from the moment we met and I think you know that. I am certain it's why you said you felt as though I liked you for you when we first met. You knew I did see the real you...a simple, yet highly complicated, human being. I saw you clearly and without didn't matter what you had or what you did, only who you were in your heart.

I see the beauty in your simplicity and complexities all in one. I see the guy that appreciates the love and commitment his family and friends give him and the security and comfort it brings him. I see the guy that wants nothing more than to do right by the ones he loves even at the expense of his own happiness. I see the guy who that handles so much for everyone because it makes him feel good and because he can. I see the guy who offers respect to everyone because he understands this is how respect is earned in return. BUT I also see the guy who does a really good job of hiding his inner conflict. I see the guy that has moments of wanting to escape his family and circumstance because sometimes the responsibility is too much. I see the guy who gets lost in his thoughts and the guy who gets lost in the moment depending on who else is in the room. I see a caring friend, a considerate human and the mediocre tennis I see the guy who struggles daily between his mind and his heart....the battle between your light and dark. I saw when you would mumble under breath, as if you were audibly trying to figure out how to handle the battle between what you must do and who you must be versus what you WANT to do and who you WANT to be. I don't believe any of your friends really understand this part of you because it's very rare for you expose yourself in this vulnerable kind of way, if ever. It's your quest for ultimate happiness, the quest to feel like a teenager again...the feeling you're only able to catch in fleeting moments.

Even now, in this moment of complete confusion of where we fit in each other's lives, I know you must be doing this because sometimes, when things are beyond your control, you have to burn bridges to create distance to save everyone including yourself. This I understand and I am not angry at you for it in the least. My heart breaks for you not because of you.

We met at a very important time for me and I told you time and again that I needed you to come in my life when you did for my own personal healing. I never wanted anything from you, I never expected anything from you and I never will. I mean fuck I never even expected to meet you. The amount of stars that had to align and pieces of a puzzle that had to be put together in order for our paths to cross couldn't have been predicted or planned out, it's just not real life. The day before I left I remember you saying how easy I made things and I always want to do that for you...I always want to compliment your life, not complicate it which is why this letter is so important for me.

I'm sending this to you with a final kiss on the palm of your hand, fist closed tightly, held against your heart. I hope you find a place where you can exist in pure happiness beyond just fleeting moments because the beauty of that person, a person I was lucky enough to get to know and spend time with. You are without a doubt one of the most phenomenal, epic human beings I have ever met and I would be remiss if I didn't tell you how grateful I am that you allowed me to get to know the other you.

With love and eternal friendship.

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